What a great movie. Haley and I watched this movie last night. It was nothing Oscar worthy. But somehow it touched me, it seemed as if it was meant for me. There were a lot of parallels. Her (Helen Hunt) husband left her, because he 'didn't want that life'. Wow. What is it about a life filled with family, children, a home, responsibilities, that makes men run? Well, ok, to be fair, some men. The husband (Matthew Broderick) was a child, everything was all about him. She had a hard time moving on, loved him, mourned the dreams they (she) dreamed. And then she met someone (Colin Firth). Someone totally different, someone like her. She said in the movie, "He sees me". The moral of the story is this, you may not get what you dream, or want, or in the time frame you wanted it in, but maybe if that is the case, it might not have been what you needed or truly what you wanted to begin with. Listen to your heart and you just might get something better.
Yes I know. I skipped writing on my birthday. It was an ok birthday as birthdays go. Nothing special. I did have dinner with my mom, grandma, and Haley. That was nice. I've officially left my 'early thirties' behind. Ugh. Honestly, I will not age gracefully. I think part of that is because I've cheated myself out of so many years of happiness. I'm starting over, and don't misunderstand. I am grateful that I woke up in my thirties as opposed to my 40s or 50s or maybe never. I've come to realize that its not too late to carve out some happiness in this life. I've been given the chance to do that.
The last few days have been extremely tough. I won't lie. Emotionally it's been draining and will continue to be so. I am less then 48 hours away from becoming a single, divorced mother of one. Ick. Part of me shudders at the thought. This was not going to be my life. I try to remember what life it was going to be exactly. Not my mothers. She stayed with the same man, my father, and was miserable. Now she is alone, emotionally scarred, and bitter. That is certainly not going to be my life. But I didn't believe this would be where I am at this stage of my life. I suppose a lot of people take detours in their lives. Some more tragic then a divorce by far. I keep reminding myself of that as well. The sky is not falling chicken little, it just feels that way sometimes.
I really don't think I would have made it this far without certain key people in my life. Some who have been instrumental in helping to keep my sanity. They listened to me cry countless times, offered a shoulder, gentle encouragement, and the grounding I needed to keep my feet steady on the path we all know is the right one for me. I know this journey is just beginning for me, it seems I've come so far already, and I'm weary. After this is done, after the life I have been living alone, is put to paper, and I am legally free of the charade I called a marriage, I hope that with time I can sort through all of the lingering anger and hurt.
That is what I am most afraid of, that somehow, things will continue to hurt me, that the bitterness will linger, that happiness is truly elusive and something that I will never have. I have looked for it for all of my life. I cannot say I have ever been truly happy, sure, there have been happy moments in my life, but never a constant state of it. I would hope that life is mostly happy with bumps in the road, not the other way around.
Just like in the movie, I have faith that even though what I thought I wanted was a complete and utter failure, there IS happiness out there for me and I just need to keep walking the path. And, for the first time, I don't feel alone walking it.
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