In like a lion, out like a lamb (hopefully).

March has arrived, cold, gray, the grass brown from the months of cold, some still covered with dirty snow. Everything seems wet and cold, lifeless. It is hard to imagine that in 8 short days, a chapter in my life, a very long, turbulent, frequently unhappy chapter will be closing. Some would say that with the closing of that chapter, happiness would surely follow, allowed to now grow. In time, I am sure it will, perhaps sooner then I realize. 

Yet, I can't help but feel the sorrow that makes my throat tighten, that brings the sting of tears to my eyes. The memories of this very poignant chapter flood over me. Sometimes, in the fresh pain, breathing becomes difficult, the tightness in my chest overwhelms me, and yes, in the dark, alone with my thoughts, those tears fall one after another until the pillow is soaked. I find it significant that they are always silent tears. I told myself, they should be, my sleeping angel is next to me. Above all else, I do not wish to cause her more pain then her little heart can stand to bear right now. But, I believe there is more to silent tears then just that. I have been silent for so very long. My emotions silent, my anger silent, my resentment while eating away at me, was too silent. My life has been silent, void of emotion for so long. It's become who I am. I have become a master at walling off those unsavory emotions. I keep them to myself and only acknowledge them in the dark.

Days have passed into one another, silence with them. Deafening silence. The joy has been lost in this house. The walls extend here from our hearts, quiet, cold, emotionless. A shell remains. Laughter has disappeared. We move amongst each other, quietly, floating on tip toes, dreading a disturbance, a disagreement, the inevitable anger that overflows here. It is stifling. The dreams once held in this home are shadows of the past, no longer in this world, but remain somewhere in our memories, so many painful memories.

We have become a segregated family. Haley our sun, we the planets that revolve around her brightness, basking in the glow from her, fearing that even in such a bright star, the light will dim and we would have no one to blame, but ourselves. I hold on to that light, desperately clinging to the last part of who we were, and who we wanted to be. It is all that is left.

There are times that I am in disbelief as to the course our lives have taken. How did something go so wrong. Shock has been a constant in this spiral downward. Sometimes, I wonder if it is a justified emotion. I try to remember when things were different and I can't. I remember me as different. That is a hard realization to come to. That all of this, everything, has been the same all these years. I wasted so much of my life, dreaming dreams, alone. They were truly my dreams. As I have come to also realize they were not shared. So many questions. I consider myself a person that is aware, that knew where her life was going, and who would share that life with her. I struggle greatly with the possibility that all of this time I fooled myself into thinking I shared a life with someone. Life, is not meant to be experienced alone, nor is it meant to be to be made up into a world of make believe, and it is definitely not meant to have your partner drug behind you kicking and screaming. I have obviously done it all.